Seek Truth, Know Truth, Accept Truth

What the world doesn’t need is another spiritual pithy statement, but, lessons come in all forms and what the world does need is more openness and acceptance.  It’s ok to receive, we don’t always have to give.  In fact, if we are just giving, we are stunting the growth in ourselves and others.  Walk with your head held high and palms up.  When we hold our palms open to the sky we are ready for the gifts of the Universe, God or whatever higher power you believe. Sounds weird, I know, however, I want you to be cognizant that you are worthy of receiving, of accepting your truth.

One of my many epiphanies occurred during the cooldown of my yoga class. The young naive optimistic instructor was sharing life guidance tips, something  I have always found amusing from my jaded cynical heart. This time was different, I listened to my breathing, opened my palms to the sky and heard her words in the background, “seek your truth, know your truth, accept your truth.” These simple words were so powerful because, at that moment, I accepted my truth and my soul filled with peace. I had been struggling with a deep pain of a severely injured relationship, a casualty of the divorce. I struggled because I could not understand someone I loved so deeply could not, would not seek, know nor accept the truth. It is a truth so obvious and one we all l lived.  I’ve cried many tears, given till I could not feasibly give anymore, reached out, only to be denied.  I have watched salty tears blinked back, and salt a wounded heart. My pain deepening as I shouted, “I am here.  I am the one who is/was always here, loving you unconditionally, waiting…” I want to shout so much more but tearing down another to make yourself look better is not living with good heart and only creates more hurt. Knowing the truth doesn’t mean you have to make a choice, me or him or the highway.  Accepting the truth means your heart is open to love, and acceptance of even an ugly truth, but your heart is still open to receive love.

Spiritually, I received my message. We all receive and accept our truths at a time right for us. Despite our interconnectedness, I cannot force or even encourage someone else’s truth. Accepting my truth, meant letting go of judgment and accept the good things about me. I am not perfect. I am a good mother. I did the right thing, even if others don’t see it or understand. I act without malice. I can close my eyes every night knowing I did the right thing.  My heart is open to receive, palms are up, and peace fills my being.  Embracing my truth, I wait.

“The things I carry are my thoughts. That’s it. They are the only weight. My thoughts determine whether I am free and light or burdened.”
― Kamal RavikantLive Your Truth


Truth is Clarity


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How to Divorce an Emotionally Abusive Person?

Times are a changing. How do you successfully divorce an emotionally abusive person and/or situation? It seems so straightforward.  You divorce, you cut ties, you establish new boundaries and develop new positive relationships, right? Well, kinda.  You do eventually divorce, and depending on how quick and semi-equitable your divorce is a good indication of how healthy your relationship was. If your ex-spouse drags you into court for years, instead of concentrating on the bitterness of the situation and the anger, it’s imperative for you to focus on seeing the situation in a new light. Yes, you still have to respond to the legal jargon, but don’t allow yourself you get caught up in minutiae and the anger. Remember, even if your attorney is on speed dial, they are not your confidant and they get paid by the hour. The more time they spend on your case the more money it costs you. If your ex is filing motion after motion and engaging in litigation abuse seek ways to shut it down, but do not engage in all of the ridiculousness proposed. These things are designed to “rattle the cage” and appeal to your emotion so you lose reason and continue to engage. If you are divorcing a narcissist they thrive on engagement.  They need you to engage. Your silence is intolerable to them and they will seek ways to reconvene communication. They are not above using the courts or your children.  Times can only change if you disengage, find a way to forgive yourself, love yourself and then eventually forgive them. Forgiveness does not mean re-establishing communication or contact, it merely means for you to uncouple and unburden your heart. Concentrate on healthy new relationships and a healthy new you. This is the only way to divorce an emotionally abusive person.

“The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong”.  Mahatma Ghandi

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Oprah, Mother Theresa and The Little Black Dress

Who knew the Golden Globes would serve as my epiphany. Wow!  Many of the women were supermodel thin, glamorous, wore black dresses and were mesmerized by Oprah Winfrey as she held captive the audience for no less than 20 minutes.  In business speak, that’s a lot of dollars and cents that funded Oprah’s message about women’s empowerment. The movement is real.

“I want all the girls watching here, now, to know that a new day is on the horizon. And when that new day finally dawns, it will be because of a lot of magnificent women, many of whom are right here in this room tonight, and some pretty phenomenal men, fighting hard to make sure that they become the leaders who take us to the time when nobody ever has to say ‘Me too’ again.” Oprah Winfrey

Initially, Oprah’s Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement acceptance speech seemed out of place, women’s empowerment in a flirty black cocktail dress.

LBD – Women’s Empowerment

The waif-like appearance of so many of the women was not about the Golden Globes, but the undercurrent was like a women’s empowerment riptide, pulling the audience way out to sea in unchartered waters challenging them to be strong and swim. Challenging them to swim, not straight to shore, but parallel the shore, reminding us the most obvious route is not always the best. The small feminine frames remind us to use our brains and not our brawn, swim parallel until we can safely swim to shore with ease. The evening was filled with subtle and screaming nuances that in order to make our mark in a professional environment women need to band together and support one another without condition and judgment. Recognize that strength is not one size fits all. Think Mother Theresa and Rosa Parks. The luxurious attire of the women in black, their tiny feminine stature and their strong attitudes remind us that we are Gaia, Mother Earth and there is nothing tiny about our power. We birthed the world. We don’t need to wear vagina hats on our head, we are confident in our feminity and confident in our strength and in our collective empowerment. The world would not exist without our presence. We are the soft buxom to land when life is harsh and unkind.

We are experiencing a movement. The time for unification is now. Our feminine reflection is unique to each of us. Let go of judgment and criticism, embrace, accept, and celebrate the female strength to create a better world for all of us. Speak up now. We are women!

Only humility will lead us to unity, and unity to peace. If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
― Mother Teresa 

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Tentacles of Abuse

The tentacles of abuse are far-reaching and know no bounds. Even when you leave the situation and the person. A rational person moves on with life, but the abuser can’t let it go. Like an octopus hiding under a rock, slipping and sliding from one dark, dank rock to the next, spraying black ink to murky the water of anyone or thing threatening to expose them, so behaves the abuser. 1stdaydiflife svaNYCThe abuser is a master of disguise, camouflaging into it’s surroundings, as the tide rolls in and out, they can go unnoticed for years. They change with the landscape, seemingly innocuous, yet they are all venomous and sometimes deadly.

How many times have you heard someone say, or perhaps you have said it, “wow, he seemed like such a nice guy.” He volunteered at church, led youth groups, and was always willing to lend a helping hand”(as long as the other hand was holding you down). You never know what goes on behind closed doors or under that dark rock. The octopus, lending many helping hands but keeping one tentacled arm securely wrapped around you. The tentacles with suction cups that resemble voracious mouths ready to swallow you alive. And if they are threatened with exposure, they jettison away leaving you covered in ink, unclean, violated and often re-victimized.

With so many reaching far tentacles, they use what they can. When control slips, children, and the courts are the easiest to manipulate and these tentacled tools are used to keep you firmly in place.  The poor helpless octopus, caught in the net, we start to feel sorry for this wide-eyed pitiful creature, unwilling to believe that it might have a dark side, after all, they can glide through the waters with mesmerizing grace and agility.  We don’t want to admit that a monster may be in our midst, a monster that we lunch with, that we invite to parties, that we engage in business deals, because what does that say about us.


Masters of Disguise.  Watching, waiting, their Tentacles of Abuse hidden.

Daily we see our beloved television icons, who greet us with good news in the morning, exposed as predatory octopi. Their co-workers claim, “we didn’t know, we heard stories, but couldn’t believe” we embraced a tentacled monster. We also hear those same people chastising those who suffered and were silenced as the tentacles of abuse tightened. Commenting why after all of these years are the stories being told. Why? Because their ghastly arm always taps at you, letting you know you can’t hide. Their arms wrap around your loved ones, threatening to squeeze if you tell. The suction cups suck the life out of you, and one quick bite incapacitates and/or intoxicates, leaving you paralyzed with fear. You run, but you can’t hide, only they can hide, their tentacles of abuse in plain sight.



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Size Matters: 6-0-6

What is your size?  Mine is happy.  Finally, joy after years of quiet acquiescence and resentment to the most ridiculous divorce ever.

size matters 1stdaydiflife (2)

One would have thought we were the Rockefellers clawing for every gold bar.  Nope, just a simple family with a small business, finally enjoying some of the fruits of our labors, preparing for empty nesting.  I guess once the business of being married and juggling family started to wane. We were left alone with each other the issues in our relationship glared angrily at us like an unwanted neon sign.


Size matters. We couldn’t avoid it any longer.  As the imminent possibility of divorce increased my appetite decreased…. and decreased.  I measured my happiness by my dress size and at a size zero, I was miserable.  I skeletoned through the drudgery of life, Size Matters 1stdaydiflifeattempting to extricate from the game playing that had become our relationship and trying to force a new life.  Truth was, I had given up control of my life so many years ago.  I really didn’t trust myself, I was always Mrs. XXX, or mom, and now I had to be ME.

When I finally let go and stopped trying to control every aspect, remarkable things happened.  First, love came into my life, but this love was different.  It was a love for myself, self-respect and self-care.  I began to nurture myself and put me first and I don’t mean just by trips to the spa.  This was different, anytime negative talk entered my mind, I reminded myself to be kind, cut me a break.

Once self-acceptance took hold my size inched up and this weight gain was welcomed.  As I sized up, another wonderful thing happened:  true romantic love entered my life.  This love is unconditional, based on trust and respect, without the game playing.  Size happiness has given a new meaning to the expression Size Matters.



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Russian Roulette: A Dangerous Financial Game

♠♣♥♦Feeling Lucky?

If I had a dollar for every time my grandmother told me to make sure you are on the business, make sure your name is on the house, I would be sitting on a pile of cash.  I’d tell her, of course, my name is on the business, we filed the paperwork 25 years ago. We started the business together with a loan from her.  I was an owner of the business years ago, but he reincorporated. Although I signed new paperwork that was not the paperwork that was submitted. Despite a tumultuous marriage, I never checked.  Instead . in my partner or rather I buried my head in the sand.  We did not have those discussions, they led to loud arguments and fights and who wants to invite that.

Financial Responsibility is Your Responsibility

When you embark on your wedded journey, make sure you have all of the hard discussions no matter how uncomfortable it may be.  Discussing finances, ensuring your name is on a home you purchase together, a business you start together, banking accounts, etc… is a sign of trust rather than distrust.  If you can have difficult conversations without responses like “don’t you trust me?”, or “I’m better with money, just trust me”, than your chance of a successful marriage is increased.  One partner controlling the purse strings is often a sign of financial abuse. What is Financial Abuse?

Your Accountant should be on Speed Dial

Sometimes those little hairs on the back of my neck would tingle and I would insist on accompanying my spouse to our accountants. The conversation would be directed by my ex and our accountant.  My fears would stop screaming “something’s not right” and just silently nag.  I’d ask about being listed on the business as an owner and would be assured yes and don’t worry this is a 50/50 state. Let me assure you that even though the law may state that, the one with the money has the power.  Your accountant works for you – verse yourself with what questions to ask, get a second opinion, understand your finances.  Do not play Russian Roulette with your life.  Blame and ignorance do not pay the bills and debt collectors do not care.

Your thriving business is now near bankruptcywheres your money 1stdaydiflife

Our small business of 25 years had provided us with a wonderful lifestyle.  We had a nice little nest egg, the ability to pay for our children’s college education, parcel of a small financial gift to them upon graduation.  We achieved the American Dream and then the nightmare began.  Suddenly, divorce was imminent and our thriving business was on the verge of bankruptcy.  Everything we had worked so hard for was gone or so it seemed.  If you suspect financial hanky-panky, hire a financial advisor who specializes in forensic accounting right away.  Once the money is gone, chances are it is not coming back but you need to preserve what remains. If I had just had the hard talks about money, taken a more educated and active role when it came to our finances I wouldn’t have played Russian Roulette.  College tuition would have been paid, and we both would have split the nest egg, 50/50.

Last Thoughts

  1.  Before you marry, make sure you have the difficult discussion with your partner.  If you fear yourself shying away from a topic to avoid an argument or fight this may be a warning sign.
  2. Check things out for yourself.  You are smart and just as capable. It’s easy to let someone else do it but this is your life too. Fiduciary trust does not mean you play Russian Roulette and gamble your money and life away.
  3. Be active when it comes to your finances.  If your tax return is complicated, then learn how to understand it.  Take it to your own trusted advisor.
  4. A solid partnership is built on trust, not blind trust, but trust that you can have open honest discussions.  All topics should be open for discussions.
  5. Ignorance is not an excuse and does not pay your bills.
  6. Take control of your finances or it will take control of you.


Must reads

 financial advise for leaving an abusive relationship

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Messages of Shame

One of my ex’s Probation Officers shared a story of a woman who suffered physical abuse on a fairly regular basis. She and her husband were pillars in the community, and other others clamored to be in their circle.  She was well educated and quite attractive.  Her life was often in jeopardy and he posed the question why she did not leave him. I have heard this question many times from educated, empathetic, well-meaning individuals, even professionals who should know better. Abuse is complicated, filled with both shame and love and not always between the abuser and the abused.  Messages of shame come at us from all angles, people, and situations.  We are subjected to them daily.

Messages of Shame

  1. We may have heard friends or family say, “I would never tolerate someone who abuses me.  I would leave them right away.  If they cheated, I’d tell them, Goodbye and Good riddance”. What we hear as victims of abuse is, “you must be really worthless and weak if you let someone abuse you, and cheat on you or you must be really stupid. “
  2. You finally speak out, only to have your voice fall on deaf ears or heads that turn away. Worse yet, no one believes you(or believes the abuser is capable of such tactics) or they diminish the abuse.  They simplify your trauma. “He’s stalking you, just turn your phone off.  They are just text messages or phone calls”. No big deal. What victims hear, “stop being so sensitive, turn off your phone, change your number.  Jeez, you are so weak.”  In other words, accommodate his aggressive behavior and modify your behavior, you are not worthy.  Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you.  Bullshit, words can be the abuse and are the prelude to physical violence and even death.
  3. Fact: 7.5 million people are stalked each year.  This is not just an innocuous text message.  Look closely.abusive text messages 1stdaydiflife
  4. Did you hit him? Often the answer is yes.  Well, if you are hitting then you deserve to be hit. Like I said abuse is complicated and abusers bully until they get a reaction. They may be sexually aggressive and hurtful, scream at you two inches from your face as you are backed into a corner. Another tactic is to not allow you to leave or move away from the intensity of the situation. You push them away, out of your personal space and Green Light.  You hit first and now you are going to pay. They want a reaction, it justifies their means. The same message of shame, you deserve it.
  5. Insensitive jokes about beating your wife. Everyone laughs and you may even chuckle, but the message is clear, “I am in charge and see others agree.” Jokes are not jokes and we are not being overly sensitive. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behavior by claiming “everyone talks like that.”
  6. Inappropriate sexual advances and the sound of silence from others.  Think Hollywood.  Sexual deviants are being exposed on a daily basis.  Powerful, smart, beautiful women and men are coming forth after years of keeping silent. Hollywood’s quiet tolerance, at the sacrifice of the victim, screamed their message of shame. Keep quiet. Hide the secret shame of abuse as friends and family look the other way. The abuser was rich and powerful and would have destroyed my career. I am nothing without him.  More messages of shame.
  7. Our own silence.  This message of shame is palatable.  We see it every morning when we look in the mirror or in our children’s eyes.  We know deep in our heart that in some sick way we participate in the abuse(not as the abuser),  but we fulfill our role.  Please understand that in NO WAY AM I ASSERTING ANYONE DESERVES ABUSE OF ANY KIND. Coming to terms with why we tolerate the abuse can be emotionally overwhelming, but accepting and understanding our role in that relationship can be liberating.  From my own personal experience, I was filled with shame for putting myself, but mostly my children in abusive situations.  For sending messages of shame to them, “just go in your room.  He’s drunk.  Don’t talk balk. It’s worse in other homes. Sometimes adults behave like that.”  #6 deserves it’s own blog, for shame can keep the wheel of abuse turning and self-forgiveness can stop the cycle. I was ashamed of myself for tolerating the abuse,  ashamed that I gave up my power, ashamed that I did not have the strength to leave, deeply ashamed for adopting some of his behaviors and ashamed that I was also sending a message of shame to my most precious gifts, my children.

So to answer his question, why does she stay? Shame paralyzes us.  Messages of shame that we are not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, not worthy enough and the messages of shame go on and on.

What, if any, Messages of Shame did you receive?

Additional Resources

For more information on stalking, visit the Stalking Resource Center’s website:



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